Thoughtful Parents

I have been thinking about writing this blog for a while now and decided it needed to become a priority when my own children presented some excellent questions about the origin of life! As a professional working with kids, I have identified my own comfort zone in how to respond to clients questions about religion, spirituality, and even some traditions. Instead of trying to educate my clients on the details of theology as I recognize I am not an expert in this area, I have opted to encourage their own self exploration by teaching them how to ask questions, explore their own beliefs, and always encouraging them to check the premise on which their existing beliefs stand.  I also have thought a lot about how much power and influence that adults have over young peoples beliefs and I do not want to abuse this power by interjecting my own beliefs. So, I do refrain from sharing my personal beliefs or my own process of questioning with my clients. That does not work so well with my own children though as they do deserve answers to these questions from their mother….

 So, I thought I would share a metaphor with all of you that has helped children learn how to check their own premise of their beliefs. I can not take credit for creating this metaphor as I heard a version of it from my husband about a decade ago…clearly not in relation to talking to kids about spirituality. So, I really do not know where it came from or who’s story it really was, but I have used it successfully over and over again. Here it is:

Once upon a time, there was an 8 year old boy, who loved to ask questions. Every year, he would look forward to his family’s Christmas celebration. Each year, his family would make a huge feast and play games on Christmas night. He loved spending time with his family and one year, the Christmas party was at his home so his mom was preparing most of the food for the feast. His family would always make a Christmas ham and this time, he was old enough to help his mom with the ham.

He was standing on a stool in the kitchen watching his mom prepare the ham. She got out the big pan, used the family recipe to make the ham drizzle sauce that she would pour all over the ham, and then proceeded to take a knife and cut off either end of the ham before she put it into the pan.

The boy asked, ”Mom, why do you need to cut of the ends?” His mom told him that she did not know but that is the way that her mother taught her to make the Christmas ham when she was growing up. The conversation really ended there…but the boys thoughts kept going (he is a thinker)!  

Later that evening, when all of his family members were there, he decided to go ask his grandma why she taught his mom to cut off the ends of the ham. To his surprise, (he thought his grandma had all the answers), she said that she was taught that by her mother. For a while, the boy stopped thinking about it and played some games. Later that night, after they ate dinner, the seemingly strange question came back into his brain. Fotunately, his great grandmother was still alive and tended to sit in the same chair the whole night during the Christmas party. He was always a little uncomfortable talking with her because she was hard of hearing and that made him feel uncomfortable. Despite his relative discomfort, he did want to know the answer to his question. So, he went to the chair his great grandmother sits in and asked her simply, “Why is it important to cut the ends off of the ham before cooking it…mom and grandma did not know but said that was just how they were taught?” His great grandmother heard his question perfectly, looked at him with her gently and wise eyes and stated, “Honey, I needed to cut the ends of the ham because I never had a pan that was big enough to fit the whole thing!”   

Wow, the boy was so proud that he figured this out. He of course, went to both his mother and grandmother to inform them that they do not need to cut the ends of the ham and proudly explained why. He great grandmother smiled with pride…as did he.

 What a lesson this boy experienced in simply checking his premise (and that of his mother and grandmother too). Obviously, in the following annual Christmas parties to come, the family ate the whole ham and fondly told the story each year about how silly they were to cut the ends of the ham.

When kids hear this story, they get it! They do start asking their moms and dads (and grandparents) why they have taught them certain values, beliefs, traditions, and rituals. The amazing thing is that it always challenges the adults to check their own premise of their own beliefs and traditions. When I am processing this with young people, I sometimes ask them to think about all the rituals that are involved in a wedding. It is a common example that most people understand that is explosive with rituals that kids can easily research and break down. Some go the extra mile and actually find out where certain wedding traditions come from like throwing rice, throwing the brides flowers, lighting the unity candle, etc.

So, with all that said, I hope that you are all effectively challenged by children’s seemingly innocent questions as it is a growth process that you can embrace with your own children. Children also need to be given the space and time to come up with their own beliefs and create their own traditions as opposed to having all this simply handed to them. Think about how much that 8 year old boy gained from his process of questioning on that one Christmas night!

 I certainly do not want to just trash all traditions as they are wonderful family experiences as well as social and cultural. I am simply encouraging kids to ask the why questions so they know why they repeat certain traditions, possess certain beliefs, and have certain emotions when traditions are performed. Lastly, kids love the opportunity to be the creator of new traditions!

I want you to stop reading this for just a minute and get out a piece of paper and something to write with! Now write down the children that come to mind in which you consider yourself a mentor for. Hopefully, you really did this and you have a lengthy list of children!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        The point of this blog is simply to bring one basic concept to everyone’s attention. Children are extremely impressionable and need to be surrounded by some healthy adult mentors in order for them to be develop into healthy individuals.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          In my professional work, I see this basic concept overlooked many times when trying to help some of the most emotionally damaged and traumatized kids. Many kids that have been emotionally hurt continue to be exposed to unhealthy role models due to their living environment, SES, or even times when a caregiver might not be paying attention to the people surrounding the children. Sometimes, this truly appears to be unpreventable, but as child advocates, we must never underestimate the power of one single healthy mentor! I have witnessed hundreds of children who have thrived and exceeded everyone’s expectations due to their unfortunate life circumstances. In most cases, these children have identified one single (or a small handful) of mentors that made a profound impact. Furthermore, in many cases, powerful mentors have not cost a lot of money such as therapists and do not have years of training in treating children. Many times, they are already available to the child and the contact simply needed to be identified and increased!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 As a parent, I might be considered a bit on the paranoid side. I realized this when I was at a Halloween Party this weekend of a very nice family with very nice friends. Regardless of all the kind people at the party, a little girl approached me and very politely asked me if my 5 year old daughter can go and play at her house which was a few houses down the street. This little girl was probably about 7-8 years old. Without even having to consider it, I said nicely that I wanted my daughter to stay with me at the party. Then I thought for a moment, “hmmmm, I wonder when I will ever get to the point in which I say that is OK.”  So, over the next several years, I can figure that one out! But in the meantime, it made me realize how much I need to know someone prior to really feeling comfortable with exposing them to my children for extended or unsupervised periods of time.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           So, on that note, I want to encourage all you parents (caregivers) out there to think about what mentors your children are surrounded by. If there are people that come to mind that you think have a bad influence, by all means, limit that contact. Don’t feel like you are being rude! Children do not have the experience to differentiate healthy verses unhealthy but adults do….so we still have to make that call for our children.  If a child is exposed to an unhealthy person repeatedly, even actors on television, they will begin to incorporate that person’s schema into their own existence! If you decide as a parent, that you would like to expose your children to other types of mentors that are not currently involved in your children’s lives, then you may have to create a plan to make that a reality. And remember, it does not have to be a formal, mentoring relationship; it can be anyone!  The kids that I have worked with professionally have taught me this as they continue to surprise me with those who have impacted them. Sometimes, it has been a one time interaction with a person they randomly met and other times, it has been a longer term relationship.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Examples of potential mentors (besides parents):

• Teachers
• Friend’s parents
• Extended family (i.e., aunt’s, uncles, cousins, grandparents, unrelated “family”)
• Activity instructors (i.e., coaches, martial arts, girl / boy scouts)
• Faith based
• Community based (i.e., boys and girls clubs, 4H, community recreation programs)
• Administrators & executives (i.e., principals, community decision makers, politicians)

Pornography…..it is one of the words and concepts that bring up all kinds of thoughts, emotions, and reactions in most people. Depending on an indivduals experience with pornography, these reactions will span from very positive feelings of excitement (yes, sexual excitement) to very threatening feelings such as jealousy and betrayal.

 As all of you must know by now, my daily clinical work is dealing with families negatively impacted by some type of sexual abuse. Although I could educate you all on the research that correlates sexually driven crimes to the viewing of pornography (because that certainly exists), I thought it more helpful to provide you some real life effects of pornography on children, teens and our society as a whole.

 It absolutely amazes me how pornography has trickled down into the experiences of children, especially in our country. I think that I grew up thinking it was an adult experience and really associated it with the creepy variety of adults. Now, I realize that most teenaged boys had forts with a few playboy magazines, but now the teen experience is so different than a few playboys.

SO, let me give you an idea of what is at the fingertips for teens today:

• Immediate access to any sexual experience via the internet
• Convenient access to the internet on cell phones – not always belonging to the teens
• Access to deviant pornography such as sex with children, animals, sexual abuse, humiliation such as victims getting urinated on (some teens think this is funny)
• Access to live footage video of sexual acts on the internet (teens used to have to actually acquire a DVD or VHS to view video)
• photos of their “friends” exposing private body parts and performing sexual acts (called “sexting”) through their cell phones
• Unwanted pictures of others via cell phone cameras
• Accidental or purposeful exposure to pornography for younger children

For any parent…pretty scary…huh?  And if you are a parent who thinks that their teenager is immune or resistant to the world of pornorgraphy, think again. Sorry to be so blunt, but with the correlation between pornography and sexual abuse and crimes, every parent should take this topic very seriously!

 So, here is what we can do…for starters!  Oh, and I would love others suggestions to add to my list of ideas!! I am sure I am not catching them all.

• DO NOT allow children / teens to have unsupervised or un-monitored internet access in their bedrooms. Even if you know your child is not seeking it out, porn will find them.
• Learn about what you can do to block and monitor your computers within your home. Many times, teens are more computer savvy than their parents. Don’t let that be an excuse for not learning how to monitor them.
• Talk to your teens about pornography. Invest their natural interest not to screw up their sexual development with the viewing of pornography. Remember that if a youth learns about sex and relationships through porn, they will have an extremely distorted view on what sex is all about.
• Consider what healthy models of relationships and sex that your children are exposed to. If there are unhealthy examples, limit that contact and talk to your children about the differences between healthy and unhealthy relationships. 
• Take the time to know your children’s friends and girlfriends and boyfriends. Be sure to ask the questions about sexual behavior and the seriousness of a dating relationship your teen is involved in.
• I know some of you may find this outside of the box, but think about how you may actually support the pornography industry. This industry is so powerful because there is a huge demand for it. Adults need to take some social responsibility if there will ever be a larger impact. This would include any form of objectifying sexual relationships or women in general.
• Oh, and do not have pornagraphy in your home!  I can not tell you how many parents had some old videos that their children accessed and that alone resulted in a heap of problems!

Anyway, you may think that these are somewhat conservative and you certainly can dismiss my blog thinking that I am just too involved in the world of sex crimes. But I assure you that sexual abuse and sex crimes does not discriminate regarding social class, race, ethnicity, etc. I work with all types of families that have been troubled with inappropriate sexual behaviors from their teens and it appears that pornography is a common denominator across the board. It is also clear that the common result is an unhealthy sexual development. So, in essence, our society is allowing a billion dollar business to skew the normal development of our teens…what a shame.

“Do as I Say, Not as I do” – this is an interesting statement when it comes to children. Many caretakers and adults in general think that they can actually get away with this approach with kids,  but it backfires every time!  Of course, adults do not actually say this to children, but they do it all the time. And, the vast majority of adults are not actively thinking about the negative effects this approach has on kids. So, here is the deal – we can not expect children to ignore the behavior of the adults around them AND the actual behavior of their role models speaks so much louder to children then the words their role models use! I know…it is a huge and exhausting reality to think our behavior, as adults are hugely responsible for the behaviors, decisions and ultimate success of our children!

This is not a new concept, just a good reminder! Social Learning Theory has been one of the main theories of the development of human behavior for decades and it provides an overwhelming degree of support for this concept that children will do what they see others do. So, as parents, caretakers, and educators, be mindful of how you speak to children, how you speak around children, and the behaviors of others around children. For example, if a parent is trying to teach a value or a rule to a child, but they do this while angry at the child for making a poor decision, the child will mostly remember the angry piece and how the message was delivered. So, the child may just walk away thinking, “hmmm, if I want to tell someone what to do, I need to look and sound bossy and angry and then maybe they will listen to me.” So, of course, we gradually see this child trying it out with thier friends, siblings, teachers, etc. And truth is, sometimes that approach works, but people are not typically happy in the long run when they use this approach.

Here is a variation on this same theme. Let’s consider the power we all have as role models to children and examine our own empathy and compassion to a child’s perspective at the same time! If we are trying to teach children to learn social rules, values, etc., we frequently will forget that children do not have all of the trial and error experiences that we do. So, we tend to approach them without a healthy dose of empathy for their ignorance (not meant negatively, just true). Imagine trying to learn all the social rules and expectations (including values, morals, right verses wrong, virtues, religious beliefs, diversity - WOW – that’s a lot to learn). Then when you think of trying to figure all of that out without the years of experience that adults have, adults must sound awfully complex to kids. No wonder children focus in on what we do instead of what we say!! This logic works for young children and teenagers since both of these stages of development have such different developmental milestones.

So, next time you have that wonderful opportunity to be a role model for a child, think first about the child’s perspective and then formulate your plan to discuss, teach, demonstrate what you want to teach them. It actually can be helpful to ask the child what they do know about the situation, rule, or expectation. And also, given the power adults have to influence children, embrace the opportunity as magnificant as you might be the person in that very moment that the child remembers for the rest of their life!

It was several nights that I had interrupted sleep due to the ice cream truck driver!  I know that initially that might be difficult to believe, but I was amazed at how disturbed I was just thinking about the kind of access and opportunity the ice cream truck driver has to children. First of all, they can slowly drive around neighborhoods in a socially acceptable manner looking for children. They are aware of the patterns of neighborhoods in regards to when children are most commonly out in the community, who is typically watching the kids (or not watching the kids), and which kids are most vulnerable to talking with strangers.

At first, the little voice in my head told me to chill out, and that I can not allow my knowledge of sex offenders to screw up my children’s memories of getting ice cream from the ice cream truck when it comes driving down our road.  If you think about it, the ice cream truck is like a magnet for children. It always looks the same with all the pictures of yummy ice cream treats on the truck mesmorizing children with its music as they scamper about trying to find change to run to the ice cream truck to buy their treat! it is actually the only time, with the exception of a school bus, that kids are encouraged and allowed to run toward a vehicle instead of away from it. It brought up several questions from my 5 1/2 year old as she is at that stage on knowing what the social rules are and telling me clearly when something does not fit in her existing schema!

So, here is what we experienced one summer evening. I heard the mesmorizing music of the ice cream truck and realized that one had never been down my street before (at least when I was present). I thought that it would be ok for the kids to get something so I asked my husband to bring out some money. The kids were excited and made it clear to the ice cream truck driver, by jumping up and down, that they would be making a purchase. So, the ice cream truck pulled into our driveway and shut off his engine. I thought initially that was strange, but thought the driver was being polite as to not spread truck exhaust all over our driveway. I was clearly looking for exceptions to what was not fitting within my schema in my brain of the ice cream truck as I have great memories of this as a child. We walked up to the truck. I was expecting a lady as that was also part of my schema. It was an older male driver with a passenger. Both the driver and passenger were smoking cigarettes and the passenger was covered with various tatoos. Although you all know, I have an open mind and accept all types of forms of self expression, my schema was completely blown away.

So, I multi-tasked. As I was trying to not inhale the smoke coming out of the truck, I was simultaneously helping my children choose their ice cream as I scanned the truck for a permit, license number, or any identifying information so that I could check out these men. Yes, as you can see by now, I was completely in “mother bear protecting my cubs mode.”  So, that is how it began. If you are wondering…..my children have now been instructed to go inside or remain in the backyard when they hear the truck coming.  They also understand that are dogs are intentionally sent in the front yard at that time. It actually provided some relief to my children as they thought the experience was strange as well. Now, my 5 1/2 year old does not have to question her knowledge of not talking to strange people selling her ice cream!

So, I know that many of you read this blog to obtain resources and information that can help others make decisions. After I had this experience, I had to understand the process of obtaining permission from various entities to be able to be an ice cream truck driver. The good thing is that I discovered there are laws and permits for such behavior. There are statutes that dictate the finer details of solicitation for anything, but that is not worth going into here. Ultimately, in order to drive an ice cream truck, the county does do a background check and check references. The interesting thing is that each county may vary in their approach to this process and how vigilant they are in issuing a permit. The woman I spoke to issued the permit to the man in my neighborhood did achknowledge that she herself was uncomfortable with his presentation but that he did clear a background check and she had no legitimate reason to deny the permit. To her knowledge, there were no rules about the behavior of an ice cream truck driver (smoking, pulling into driveways, bringing along passengers for company, etc). She did inform me that it is up to parents to report any strange behavior with their local sherrif’s department. I did make the recommendation that they also post a picture of the driver by the permit so that parents can be sure that the driver is who has been issued the permit. She said that although it was a good idea, her office did not possess a camera. Also, the driver does not need to reside in the community in which they sell ice cream, which disturbed me.

So, there you have it! Once again, it is up to PARENTS to pay attention, advocate and protect children, report any unusual occurances, and to take social responsibility for the safety of our communities! Remember, I am not simply trying to create paranoia, but I am trying to provoke intentional thoughtful parenting!

You ask, What are Self Protective Skills?

Self Protective Skills are very basic skills that parents and caregivers should teach children so that they can protect themselves (to some extent) against child sexual abuse. Certainly, a child with some self protective skills has a better chance of avoiding a perpetrator and feeling more confident with the limits adults should have.

Instead of putting the responsibility on the child, I have begun to create a list of Do’s and Don’t for parents. Although parents are well intended, they typically assume that children are somehow born with this knowledge. Remember, as we went from childhood to adulthood, we lost all that innocence and ignorance as we learned about how some people are bad and do bad things to others.  

Here is a simple example of how self protective skills work.

 Bobby, a 6 year old is in a public bathroom when approached by a stranger who will attempt to touch him sexually. Bobby yells, “NO, don’t touch my penis, that is my private part” and runs out of the bathroom to his parent.”

 Billie, a 6 year old is in a public bathroom in the same situation and says, “That is my dingaling.”

 Clearly, Bobby’s parents taught him the correct word for his private body part and that it is private. He was also taught to yell and run. Billie was allowed to use a funny name for his private part and was not talked to about how his private part is private and not to be touched by others. Billie also was not confident in making a scene and yelling, because he was not told that this would be OK. Now imagine which kid the perpetrator will respond to by fleeing the scene – hence not abusing the boy??

Here is a list of some basic Do’s and Don’ts for what to teach children. Use this as a guide coupled with common sense.

Do:

• teach anatomically correct names for private body parts
• talk about the differences between adult private parts and children’s private parts as well as female and male
• teach the appropriate places that kids can be naked 
• teach that they are allowed to touch their own bodies (avoid creating a negative connotation against their own private parts as it is part of them)
• talk to kids about privacy and that everyone is entitled to privacy
• allow kids to obtain privacy if they want it (of course in a safe place)
• teach the difference between good and bad touch
• talk to your kids about telling you anything, even if someone tells them they can not
• teach your children steps on what to do if anyone ever tried to touch their private parts (i.e., Billie and Bobby)
• get a book that can help you teach these concepts if you are uncomfortable
• talk to other parents about how they talk to their kids – it is a difficult thing for a lot of parents
• monitor children’s use of the internet

Don’ts:

• Do not allow even young children to touch each others private parts
• Do  not allow young children / children to be in charge of diapering or assisting other children in the bathroom (assisting parents change diapers is ok and can be nurturing)
• Do not have any pornograghy accessible to children
• Do not display sexual behavior in front of children or allow visitors to do so (this is different than affection – that is good for kids to see)
• Do not allow secrets within your family
• Do not avoid the topics of private body parts
• Do not discourage children from asking questions – even when it makes the parent uncomfortable
• Do not ignore any reports from children about their discomfort

I am sure this list is not exhaustive, but I do not mean to overwhelm parents either. I know some books that are good and can post those at a later date. I am interested in feedback from parents on how they do this and if they are uncomfortable.

Remember, you can comment about this or any blog, after you register on this site.

Talk soon!

Take One Step Back! 

Sometimes we can learn more then we expect by listening carefully to children. Here is a story:

He was 12 years old and in some legal trouble. He was small for a 12 year old; not more then a year since puberty began. He was emotionally still a child in so many ways. He started hanging around with kids that were influencing him negatively; his mom and dad had to work long hours to pay the bills. He was from a loving family who were really trying to do the best they could for their children.

It was a family therapy session and both of his parents drove over 30 minutes to get to the correctional facility in which he was incarcerated. It was about half way through the therapy session when he looked at his father and said the following after he was asked how he felt about his parents coming to see him:

“Dad, if mom died, I would cry and be really sad. I want to know you better so that if you died, I would cry.”

Although his sentiment totally lacked tact, sophistication and elegance, this child made such a huge impact with his dad that day. His dad began to cry.

Be sure to listen carefully to the messages that kids send. How the messages are sent is never as important than the message itself.

The title of this post lends itself to people having one of two reactions. One is total curiousity and the need to learn all we can to protect children and people in general from being victims of sexual assault. The other reaction is total avoidance and fear which results in ignorance. I imagine that the second reaction is way more common due to the horror of sexual assault. I have been providing treatment for families affected by sexual abuse for years; however, my awarenes went to an even greater level once I had my own children. I do not think that it is healthy to be so paranoid and protective that children are fearful of others BUT I do think that most parents do NOT teach their children basic self protective skills.  I have had several conversations with regular people in the world (regular meaning those who do not work with sexual abuse issues professionally) and have found that parents tend to recoil when I openly discuss the need to teach kids about self protection. I really do not think that I am talking about it inappropriately or being obnoxious about it….I know that it is a sensitive topic and treat it as such. The topic usually comes up because someone asks me a question…so I know the curiousity is there.

 Bottom line…as parents, there are some things that we can not allow to permeate our brains because they are too horrible to even imagine. Sexual abuse to your own child is one of those things. What I suggest is that we as parents take that fear and turn it into action by learning about how to talk to our children about their bodies, good and bad touches and what they should do if something or someone is wrong. Learning how to educate our children to have healthy self concepts growing up in a world in which sex and glamour tend to be synonymous.

I am sure that I will write several more blogs on aspects of how our current society sexualizes children (basic tv to porn to video games). But for now, parents, start to learn about how you can protect your children and begin to recognize signs of risk or abuse.  So, for starters…check out the basics of how sex offenders are tracked in our society and face the fact that they are living amongst our communities. Instead of remaining ignorant or getting angry that there are sex offenders around, learn about the tracking process, ask the questions to professionals, and learn about how to talk to your kids.

Here is the website for the FBI’s site for tracking adult sex offenders.

http://www.fbi.gov/hq/cid/cac/registry.htm